There is something joyful and stressful in that statement, but its true. I’m coming home, as in returning to Durban after 2+ years in the dry and dusty lands of Ashburton, PMB. (Truth be told, this post has been in my drafts folder for over a month, I’m already settled in Durban)
This has been coming for quite a while, in actual fact I had the choice to pack up and go home October 2015 when my whole world came crashing down (again). My Husband and I had both just started working again, after being retrenched from the same company; we had just moved into a free-standing house, we had a garden, 2.5 bedrooms and a kitchen that I loved. It was meant to be our home. However, the only thing it was, was frights, heartbreak and disappointment. There was only one happy memory in that house and that was Christmas 2015. For just a few days everything seemed happy, calm and that, perhaps there was Hope after all… bad things happen but we can overcome it?
It wasn’t long after that things took a turn for the worst and the months between February and April 2016 are a blur… my addict husband was at, what we thought, was his “rock bottom” but in actual fact it wasn’t. It’s a wonder how far this disease can drag a person. I have learnt over 9 years, not to expect anything from the addict – but I always end up doing it anyway.
Anyway, when the wheels fell off, I was forced to move into a much smaller place for just me and my son… Our 2 incomes got chopped in half, drastically and my world had shifted. It was that moment that I could have run back home, my family opened their doors to me… it’s not like I had nowhere to go… it just that I thought that if I went, I was the failure. Sounds crazy, but I had a lot of criticism for following my troubled fiance to another town, leaving my job, leaving my home. All of this while trying to find myself as a mother to my son. But regardless of what others thought – I took the plunge and I went…. and for a while, things were great. It felt like the best decision we had ever made as a family. So I told myself that I will not admit defeat, I will not run home at the first major problem. So I stayed and I have been a single mom for just over a year. I did it! Yes, I had ALOT of support (in all aspects) from family and friends, who I call my guardian angels. They were my walking stick when I stumbled, my light at the end of the tunnel, comfort when I was lonely. I do not need to mention their names because they all know who they are! The Lord sent his people to do his work for me. It’s these amazing people, who preach the word of GOD without opening their months!
So after a tough year, I made the decisions to come home, this time I don’t feel like a failure because I know I can do it on my own, I have learnt so much about myself this year and just how strong I am (and just how much I can take on). This time its a necessary move for both my child and I. This time its a choice I had made to better our lives.
Every decision I have ever made since I became a mother, was in the best interest of my child. I tried very hard to give him the family I never had, turns out that sometimes we have unrealistic expectations and things don’t work out the way we plan. What Connor does have is lots of love, stability and constant people in his life. What matters is that we create a calm and civil environment that makes our child feel safe and most importantly loved.
You don’t owe people an explanation for your decisions. Remember that!
But whatever may be, will be… and at the end of the day – Home is where the heart is!