Have you ever loved someone so much it hurts?
Loving an addict hurts; you just want the best for them, you can see they are capable of so much but when they are living in hell, the only thing they want is the next drug – because their addiction tells them, that is all they “need”
They live in a world of deceit and manipulation; they can see the hurt in your eyes, they can see the tears running down you face but they are STUCK! Stuck in a place that is so cold and lonely…. just drowning in their own pain and shame.
Active addiction is no joke; the addict will lie to you, manipulate you, blame you and make you feel worthless….
They will ask you for money, they have no understanding of the word no! They will ask and ask and ask until you can’t take it anymore and give in… they will wear you down when you are already so broken…. frankly the disease doesn’t give a damn about you. The disease doesn’t give a damn about anyone – not even the soul that it has captive.
They will ask you to not say anything to anyone, and if they don’t – you will keep it yourself anyway, because you try to fool yourself – you will tell yourself that everything is under control, that its just a small slip and everything will work out. You are ashamed, disappointed and cannot bear to hear another person, tell you to leave them… so you keep everything to yourself… until you can no longer continue… your brave face becomes the only face you have.
They will make you mad, and terribly sad at the same time… you will not understand your emotions, as love and hate are at war within you! You will not understand the disease; you can’t understand why they can’t just stop, why do they have to steal, why do they have to destroy everything, why do they have to hurt us so much, why am I not enough? These are questions I used to ask myself everyday… until I came to fully understand the disease. Only when that happened was I able to see what my husband was really going through. From then on, I gained a new respect for recovery, where as in the past, I didn’t understand it at all.
They will make empty promises, they will look at you with lost eyes and blank expressions! They will say things they do not mean, but because they are said with such heated
passion aggression, you will believe it… Those hurtful words will stay with you and you will replay them OVER and OVER again like a broken record. Pulling the knife in and out!
You will be consumed by their addiction, it will make you crazy… you will throw things, scream out in pain, and wish you could just run away.
But you are stronger, you are braver and you will get through it.
Detach with love is the most valuable advice ever given to me…. it took many relapses and failed attempts at a “Normal Life” to realize it. It is okay to love the addict but hate the addiction. It’s okay to focus on yourself. Easy does it! You too have a recovery that you need to follow.
When everything in your life feels like its crashing down, by the hands of the addict… that is when will need turn the focus on to you. You will have to make tough decisions for the sake of your well being and your sanity.
I told my addict husband to leave and not return. In the events that lead up to this brave but heart breaking decision – he had already spent many nights on the street… and it wasn’t the first time either.
The truth is, there is nothing you can do to stop it… There is nothing you can say that will change their view, you can scream until you blue in the face, you can threaten, you can even try and hit some sense into them (I’ve been there more than once) but the disease will block it all out. They have to come to the harsh reality on their own. Enabling may only prevent it… you think you are helping, but you could be causing more damage. I know as I have spent many years enabling and its only when I remove myself from the downward spiral that the addict creates, that I saw the damages!
The need to control the situation leaves you exhausted, heart broken and feeling hopeless. And for someone like me, with a very controlling nature… its easy to get sucked into the whirlwind…. but I always come out second best… and more worn down then the few hours before!
Active addiction is pitiful, its shameful and its filthy, but rock bottom is cold and lifeless… but it has to be hit, HARD! When the addict is left with no one to turn to, no doors to open, no family member to manipulate and no “frenemies” to use with…. there is only one way out, in this moment the disease will stutter for just a minute and that when its up to the addict to seek help in recovery, they will have to admit they are powerless. We are all powerless… They are powerless over their addiction and we are powerless of them.
BUT they can recover, it is possible, buts its a long and hard journey.. not only for the addict but for the family as well. They have to admit their faults every single day and fight off the demons at every turn. You were last on the list doing active addiction and you wont be first in recovery either… Recovery comes first, its the only way you will exist. Without recovery, the addiction is likely to return… its lurks in the shadows and appears as soon as something goes wrong. When an addict is not in recovery…. the voices are louder and stronger. When an addict is in recovery…. the voices are drowned out by meetings and support from other addicts. Together they are stronger than the disease.
Recovery has given me, my husband back!
I preach it, but it isn’t always easy…. you try to be there for the addict as best you can but if you are like me, then there will be times when you still feel like you are not enough! Don’t listen! You are never too much and you are always enough. In this process, i have to hand over the control, the control I so tightly grasp onto in hopes I can prevent any future pain.
The only thing I can control is my attitude.
Don’t give up the Faith, don’t listen to the negativity and don’t let anyone make decisions for you. It is your journey to walk, be brave and know that the Lord has plans for your life!
Disney Mom (An Addicts Wife)