Parenting · The disease of addiction

Way too attached…

I hope it’s not only me, but I am seriously too attached to all of Connors baby items. I can not part with any of them and sadly cannot not lend them out either. How cruel am I to a baby in need…

He has grown so much over the last 2 years and no longer uses his baby blankets, play gym, pram and camp cot but I have to keep those items close, my heart needs them, They were my babies things and just can’t part with them.

The sad truth is I had to part with 3 boxes of my precious little babies clothes! My heart breaks as it was not by choice, but when my husband was in the pit of his addiction  – he could not think past his next fix and helped himself to the sacred boxes that I have kept so close. Yes, he sold all my babies clothes for drugs and a part of my heart died that day. May sound silly – but I am a very sentimental person and those clothes were very important to me.

Unfortunately, I could have saved 2 boxes but I thought better of him (which is not possible when the addict rules his life) I had noticed one box gone on a Friday afternoon when I was loading our bags into the car to head down to Durban for a weekend. At that moment I should have loaded the other 2 boxes and kept them in my car… I could kick myself for not doing that….

You can not underestimate the extent that an addict will go to, for their next fix. They are prisoners in their own body, it controls them, destroys them, it rips apart their soul and builds a wall around them – that keeps the addict in and the loved ones out. It laughs at their weaknesses and thrives on their failures. It keeps them broken so they never try to leave.

Addiction is the only prison where the locks are on the inside!

My heart still breaks because I will never see the outfit that I brought my son home from the hospital in again, I will never cuddle his tiny little baby growers or reminiscence over tiny little socks. All the other things that have taken over the years were replaceable items… these clothes can never ever been replaced. A betrayal I have to work through every time… I walk past a tiny newborn outfit in the shop or see a little baby in a cute printed baby grower.

A piece of my heart forever lost.

It’s that thing “resentment” that holds a person close to the pain, it lives deeply buried in my heart… I can hand out forgiveness so freely at times,  It is a subconscious thing that makes me look weak and a fool ( A fool in love?) but by forgiving; it doesn’t mean I “accept” the behavior and it doesn’t no mean I “forget” the actions.

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It’s the resentment part that I have to let go off, as it only causes me pain.

To love an addict means you are also sick (if you have tolerated the addict at their low points then it’s inevitably that you are sick ), not everyone can understand or put up with the things an addict brings… but I have been surrounded by many addicts and I wouldn’t be put in the situation if I wasn’t able to handle it , right? (I will keep telling myself that).

The truth, I have to come to terms with the fact that a relapse is always going to be possibility, there is no escaping it… but its going to be how he handles it (if it happens) that is going to be defining part in his continued road to recovery. Chris will always an addict, only difference is whether he is active or recovering… I pray for the latter.

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I am strong in the broken places – Unknown

XOXO

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