This morning while brushing my teeth with my little 2 year old rascal, it dawned on me what the hardest part about being alone is…. for me anyway.
Initially I thought it was the affection side; the loving touch, warm bear hug or sweet kiss goodbye and although I miss that deeply its not the hardest part.
For me the hardest part is not having anyone to ask: “Do I look okay in this?” or “What would you like for supper?”, or having to be the disciplinary and the comforter for our child. Its not having anyone to argue with, over what movie we are going to watch. It’s having to make all the big decisions on my own and not having anyone to bounce ideas off of. I realized how much I really have to trust myself and trust my decisions.
I’ve had to have work done to my car a few times and that something I never thought I would have to courage to arrange alone. The only thing I know about cars is how to drive them (Chris taught me that)
I’ve had to face injections, blood tests and numerous doctors visits… on my own and Chris was always present for those visits, being the strong one while mommy cried more than Connor. But now I have to put on a brave face and brace it all.
The last 6 months haven’t been the greatest and there have been lessons to learn and what ever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?
I know it’s all for the best and in order for us to have any part of Chris, it has to be this way for now. Chris needs his NA community in order to stay clean. Without NA, Connor and I don’t exist as then the addict rules his life. So I choose to have a sober husband and father that is 100km away, then a present husband that is stuck in a loosing battle against his addiction.
So although it’s tough being alone and not the way I had planned things, it hasn’t been for nothing and it wont be forever; I have grown and healed in many ways because of the circumstances we have been faced with. FAITH is trusting GOD even when you don’t understand his plan.
Also need to thank my dearest family and friends who have been by my side through all this mess, I am eternally grateful for all the help, understanding and love. Without my special loved ones, I would not be able to remain as strong as I pretend to be.